Wife: Darling, give me your phone for a second.
Husband: Wait, let me switch it on. Delete videos. Delete pictures. Delete music. Delete private folder Delete number. Delete sms. Delete out going calls. Delete incoming calls. Delete mms. UNISTALL Whatsapp. Delete… Delete… Delete… Delete… Delete… Delete… FORMAT Memory Card. Reset phone to Factory settings…
Husband: Here you go honey, i have nothing to hide from you.
Wife:Thanx love… I just wanted to check the time.
Husband: Oh my God!

IN HOLLY WOOD Merlin will say jxt two words and a fire breathing dragon will appear.
IN NOLLYWOOD Odunlade will recite a whole book of incantation(366 pages) jxt to off candle .then he’ll finally tell u to bring the following >8 virgin rat > 10 married ants >7 pregnant mosquitoes > 2 lesbian hen …..To appease the gods ••••but niaja why

An Ijebu engineer can’t find a job so he opens a
clinic and puts a sign outside
‘GET TREATMENT FOR
20k – IF NOT CURED GET BACK 100k.
An Ijesha lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn 100k and goes to the clinic…
Ijesha Lawyer:
“I have lost my sense of taste”
Ijebu man:
“Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient’s mouth”
Ijesha Lawyer:
“Ugh..this is kerosene”
Ijebu man:
“Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me 20k”
The annoyed Ijesha lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money…
Ijesha Lawyer:
“I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything”
Ijebu man:
“Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth”
Ijesha Lawyer (annoyed):
“This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste”
Ijebu man:
“Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me 20k”
The fuming Ijesha lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back 100k.
Ijesha Lawyer:
“My eyesight has become very weak”
Ijebu man:
“Well, I don’t have any medicine for that, so take this 100k”
D Ijesha Lawyer (staring at the cash):
“But this is 20k,
not 100k”
Ijebu man:
“Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me 20k”
You can’t beat an ijebu man.

CONVERSATION BETWEEN A MAD MAN AND A NORMAL MAN.
Norm. Man: Why is that u people (mad people) always laugh when there’s nothing to laugh about.
Mad man: Its because you people don’t see what we see in madness
Norm. Man: What do u people see?
Mad man: Have u ever seen an ant breastfeeding it babies? Or dogs having a marriage ceremony?
Norm. Man: Burst out with laughter.. Hahahaha
Mad man: U see how u are laughing now, without even seeing what I used to see.. U will even laugh more than me when u become mad.

If a girl dumped you because you don’t have money, my brother when you don make the money please forgive her, promise her marriage, tell her family that you want to renovate their house, Then remove their roof and disappear.

You lavish 300k in a club and give a prostitute 15k. But you give your girlfriend 1k after washing your clothes and cleaning the house for you then you say you’re testing her to find out if she is after your money.
Brother, the thunder that will fire you will be like Drug prescription; 3 in the morning, 3 in the afternoon and 3 at night.
Sho lo ya wehrey nii

One spelling mistake in a hurry can make life hell..
Husband wrote a romantic message to his wife on his business trip and missed an “e” in the last word…now he is seeking police protection to enter to his own house….
He wrote, “Hi darling, I’m enjoying and experiencing the best time of my life and I wish you were her!

No English dictionary has been able to explain the difference btwn the two words “COMPLETE” and “FINISHED”. Some people say there is no difference between “COMPLETE” and “FINISHED​”, but there is. When you marry​ the right woman you are COMPLETE​ and when you marry​ the wrong woman,​ you are
FINISHED!​ When your wife catches​ you with another woman​ you are
COMPLETELY FINISHED​ and when your
wife​ likes shopping​ so much you are
FINISHED COMPLETELY!

I never knew our house has a lot of corners until my mum said Ayo go and bring me those fried meat dat is inside the home theatre carton at d back of d cupboard near d visitor’s room.

When you buy a phone of N640,000 and a SIM card of N50.
Few days later the phone gets missing and all you can say is ” it’s not even the phone that is paining me, it’s the SIM card”.
Alaye……, if I slap you eh, your ancestors will feel dizzy

English Language is not by force, if u can’t speak correctly, kindly use pidgin or your mother Tongue.Today at First Bank, I told a girl ” excuse me, pls move back I want to pass” and she said ” PLEASE! PLEASE!! PLEASE!!! I can’t go backer than this, this is the backest I can go, can’t you see there is somebody in front of my back?gbagam!!3 pple Fainted. Overdose_forming on pooiii

Nothing teaches patience than a “Shaking charger”.

Teacher: Why Are You Late
Johnson: My Parents Were Fightin’
Teacher: Is That A Valid Reason.
Johnson: Yes, My Mom Was Using My Shoe To Beat Dad,So I Had To Wait.

Grandpa said to grand son,”see, your teacher is coming.Go and hide because you’ve missed school for two days.” Grand son replied,
“I took an excuse that you died; so go and hide.

*Because you have New Crush in your area. You now wear Suit to fetch water . Bros. Kneel down lets pray Sense is far from

I had a dream last night, I was driving 2017 Range Rover but I woke up I can’t remember where I parked it. Should I report to the Police.

A teacher in Ogbomosho asked his students, 1+1= ?. A student stood up and said 4. An Edo man passing by overheard the response , he shook his head and said: “This APC government will kill us in this country, everything has increased: dollar, transport fare, fuel prices, foodstuff,…everything, even 1+1 that used to be 2 has now gone up to 4. Everything in Nigeria has increased, even the voice that usually say “to copy this tune press one” is now saying “to copy this tune press eleven”. Don’t laugh alone pass on to others too.

When you submit your C.V for a job interview,& one week later you went to buy Suya from Aboki and you discover it was the C.V you submitted that was used to wrap the suya for you
THE WITCHES IN YOUR VILLAGE WILL BE LIKE​¡¡¡¡
IT’S OUR WORK OOOH​,SOFTWORK​!!!

That awkward moment when after inserting a Disc in your dvd and find out its a porn video…..immediately, nepa takes light and brings it back in the night when ur entire family has gathered to watch d film showing last memory.
U don die
my brother start thinking of a suitable explanation to give.

Lets remember some funny truth said by the kids. 1. Daddy lied in the church that he had an accident when it was Mummy that hit his head. 2. Daddy said Mummy is too wide and he’s not a good swimmer. Is mummy a swimming pool?. 3. I think Mummy is still a virgin. 4. I saw an original balloon in Daddy’s room but Daddy has spat in it. 5. Mummy was mad at Daddy yesterday because he touched Aunty Angela’s bum bum. 6. I know why my Daddy is always reading newspapers. So that Mummy won’t ask him for feeding money. 7. Daddy has shaved his beard because Mummy said he looked like an he goat. 8. The landlord will never give us quick notice because my mother is his friend. 9. I know when my daddy collects his salary because my mummy will call him sweetheart. 10. Why is Daddy always fighting with Mummy in bed but yet Mummyd Aunty Rukky that Daddy gave her gonorrhea, is it truth?. Is Daddy a gonorrhea distributor? Some parents will kill their child if they find out what they say about them outside. COMMENT BELOW WHICH OF THE ABOVE YOU SAID WHEN YOU WERE A KID

CAN THIS EVER HAPPE!!!!!
GIRL: Hi handsome.
BOY: Mcheeew (rolling his eyes)
GIRL: C’mon I mean no harm dude. Just spare me a few minutes of your time.
BOY: say what you have to and leave immediately.
GIRL: okay I have been watching you pass here everyday and i feel
attracted to you.
BOY: only that? GIRL: I think you are hydrogen cause whenever I see you my heart beats with a pop sound.
BOY: (blushing) aaaww stop the flattery.
GIRL: I’m damn serious. Can’t you see that am not sobber and am staggering? That simply proves that am drunk in love with you.
BOY: (smiling) go straight to The point, can’t you see am busy? drawing patterns on The ground
using his feet)
GIRL:wow your smile is like Al Quaeda terrorists cause it has just
captured The territory of my
heart.Please give me a chance to invest in your heart business and you will see The profits through
my love for you.
BOY:You girls are just the same. You Just want to use me then dump me heartlessly.
GIRL: OMG! Dats so inhuman. I
want to show you true love that can never even be witnessed in the Soap Operas.
BOY: Kkk let me think
about it then I will reply you later.
GIRL: Okay handsome, take as
much time as you want. Whatever your decision is, I will respect IT but please say Yes.
MY QUESTION: Will there
ever be a beautiful time like this?
where girls will do the ‘toasting’ and we The boys
do the ‘blushing’ or is it just a wishful dreaming

PRAYER WARRIORS This is how some prayer warriors make GOSSIP sound like PRAYER POINTS. They start like this, “People Of God, let’s remember Brother Tobi Alex in our prayers. He has gonorrhea and doctors said they are even screening him for HIV too, but we know that our God can heal him. So brothers and sisters let’s pray for divine healing, pray, pray.” “Brethren let’s also pray for Sister Annabel and Brother Chinedu. Sister Annabel is pregnant for Brother Chinedu and Brother Chinedu is not ready for marriage now, you know they are not married abi? Okay! He told her to abort it but she refused. The situation is tearing them and their families apart. Let’s pray to God for peace and amicable settlement.” “Children of God’s kingdom, let’s remember Mr and Mrs Kwame in our prayers. Mr Kwame left Mrs Kwame for Sister Joy in the choir. That light skin slim sister that works in the Bank, Hmmm! Let’s pray for God to restore Mr and Mrs Kwame marriage.” “Brethren pray, open your mouth and pray. The Lord will answer us.” “And finally before we round up, let us lift Sister Rosemary before the Lord. She has been suspended from her place of work due to some fraud in her office. We know she is innocent. Even though she has been wearing some bling bling lately plus that new car she just bought. Erhh, let’s pray that as the police are carrying out their investigations, those things will not be seized. Please praaaaay! She is our Sister. Pray, pray, pray!!!”